Thursday, 29 October 2009

Shopping + coffee + fam = good times

Had a really great evening tonight when I went out lat night shopping with my mom, brother and nana.
We went to the Bear Factory to buy a present for my cousin, and I decided that one of my ambitions in life is to get a bear from the Bear Factory!!

After that we went to Starbucks and had a coffee, and then looked around a christmas shop, which, even though it's not even halloween yet, was great fun!

It was really relaxed and chilled and quiet in the shopping mall. For some reason it all made me think of the christmas season.

Looking forward to christmas this year. :-)

Sunday, 25 October 2009

Things take time.....but a talk with a good friend can help

I have been home from Mexico for 3 months now. Such a short amount of time, yet it feels like an eternity. I hate it the way time does that.
The 3 months have home have not been easy, and it's not showing any signs of getting easier anytime soon. I have really hated being here in England, and am struggling to settle in. I miss people in Mexico so much, and sometimes I feel like I can't survive without some of them.

I have found it really hard to be the person here that I was in Mexico. It brought out the best in me, and it has been hard transferring it back home, and have felt at times like I have slipped back into being the person I was before I left for Mexico, and I have hated it.

This past week especially been pretty tough; but today I went for lunch with a dear friend of mine, who sympathised and understood where I was coming from. She listened and let me talk, and then administered me with some tough love. And what she was saying didn't actually hurt. Yes, some of it was uncomfortable to hear because the the truth always is, but other than I accepted what she said. Maybe because I was ready to hear it now?
I think it also helped knowing that she knew exactly where it was coming from.

What she said to me clicked. And it all seemed to finally get through to me and make sense. I went home having a lot to think and pray about, and God spoke to me and I'm finally starting to understand things.
Yes I miss Mexico, lots, and I think I will always miss it and miss the people, yes, I believe that it is ok if a part of me always misses Mexico and longs to be there. A piece of my heart will always belong to that place. But as long as I don't let the missing it hold me back from what my God has in store for me, then it's ok.

God has been confirming to me that not only Mexico, but missions in general is who I am and who He has called me to be; and right now I know that He has me at school in England for a reason, and that if I am meant to go back to Mexico, then I will have the same passion for it in 4 years time as I do now.
I miss it so much. And I've only been home 3 months. I need to give my self more time to settle in.

If I'm completely honest, right now I am hurting. I feel let down by important people in my life, and it hurts not knowing where I fit in or what's expected of me.
One thing I'm sure of is that the next year will be filled with ups and downs as I try to fully adjust; but for the first time in 3 months since being home, I am starting to feel better and happier than I have done since leaving Mexico.

Right now I'm hurting. I miss Mexico. I miss everyone. I'm struggling being here in England. But I know that I am here for a reason, and that God has something big in store for me.
And things are getting better. Slowly, but they are getting better.

Saturday, 24 October 2009

Miserable weather; good company......

Today saw the fourth day of the season with grey skies and a constant drizzle of rain. Dressing up warmly, with wellies and a hat, I met up with the other beaters (we drive the birds towards the guns for them to shoot the birds) and dogs.
The day continued with grey skies and rain, and all of us getting wet.
The fields have now been ploughed, and with the arrival of rain, the soil has now started to turn to a sticky mud. This means that after walking through ploughed field after ploughed field, the mud sticks and builds up on your wellies, so that by the end, you are wearing weighted shoes. It is exhausting and by the end of the day, both humans and dogs are shattered.
We stopped for lunch in one of the farmer's barns, and sat together on hay bales, while the dogs sat around us. It was great to get into the dry for a bit.

Despite the rain and mud, it was a good day spent in good company.

On another note. The clocks are going back this weekend, meaning that days will be getting shorter and darker earlier, bringing with it definite signs of winter.
Time to bring out the jackets and scarves, and fires and smores!!!
Bring on the snow!

Saturday, 3 October 2009

A new season is here....

....A new shooting season is here; which can only mean one thing. The colder months and winter are coming upon us!

Today, the first shoot of the season, was a real blustery autumn day; which makes me think of a song from Winnie the Pooh about a blustery day -

"Hum dum dum ditty dum
Hum dum dum

Oh the wind is lashing lustily
And the trees are thrashing thrustily
And the leaves are rustling gustily
So it's rather safe to say
That it seems that it may turn out to be
It feels that it will undoubtedly
It looks like a rather blustery day, today
It sounds that it may turn out to be
Feels that it will undoubtedly
Looks like a rather blustery day today."

lol. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense (does Winnie the Pooh ever?), but it's fun.

It was a real blustery day today with leaves blowing everywhere and the wind whipping up sand storms which resulted in us all walking backwards in an attempt to keep the sand out of our eyes.
Despite the fact that we didn't have a great number of birds in the bag due to the windy conditions affecting their flying; it was great seeing people and dogs again, and knowing that you get to spend yet another season with them out in the fresh air and having a laugh together.

I am looking forward to this season - spending days outside in the fresh (and sometimes cold!) air, doing something I enjoy.
Some of the best days are the days with the blue skies and sun, and early starts where the fields are covered in mist or fog.
It is such a beautiful picture (I will take pictures when I get a chance).
I love watching the dogs working as well. It's what they were bred for and they are so good at what they do. I love watching them retrieve the shot game. It is like poetry in motion, seriously.

On a side note, I was awarded an academic scholarship for university :-)
God knows what I need.

Friday, 2 October 2009

The heart of Worship

Worship is a lifestyle. At least that's what it should be. It's what I want it to be.
Very recently though I have found that worship at church and youth for me has become very automatic.
Tonight at youth I had to catch myself and tell myself to slow down and really concentrate on what the words really meant, as I found myself being swept along by it all.
All of a sudden the worship seemed very polished and dressed up. I am not criticising or saying that this is wrong, but just for me personally at this moment in time, it felt like too much of a show.

"Worship is that heart-to-heart meeting with our Father"

So as I tried to slow myself down and think about what I was saying, I had this small, inner voice that spoke to me about the heart of worship.
And then I had a sudden desire to take worship back to the heart. Just me and the guitar (or just me!) singing to God and worshiping Him. Raw and exposed worship. Just the heart crying out to God.
I don't quite know how to explain and say what I am trying to say. It was just this incredible desire to meet with God through worship, and go straight to His heart. I just want to have worship where it's me and God and nothing else.
Take worship, not necessarily to a more quiet place, but a more private place.
It's sometimes so easy to get wrapped up in busy lifestyles or routines that we forget to worship with such abandon and joy as King David did when "He danced before the Lord with all his might; and he was girded with a linen ephod." (2 Sam 6:14)

And his response to his wife when she criticised him was "It was before the LORD, who chose me rather than your father or anyone from his house when he appointed me ruler over the LORD's people Israel - I will celebrate before the LORD. I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes." (2 Sam 6:21-22)

Isn't that great? Free and unhindered worship because your passion and love for the King of Kings is so uncontainable.
I just want worship that goes to the heart. Worship that goes back to the heart. I don't want to be just singing words because I know them and I automatically sing along. I want to be singing words because they're actually coming deep from within my heart as I try to express myself and connect with God.
Worship is a form of expression. Rather it be your own expression than someone else's.

I still don't think that I am saying exactly what I want to say, but I know in my heart what I want; and right now I can't think of a better way than to finish than with the lyrics of "Heart of Worship" by Matt Redman.

'When the music fades
All is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing just to bring
Something that's of worth
That will bless Your heart

I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You,
It's all about You, Jesus
I'm sorry, Lord, for the thing I've made it
When it's all about You,
It's all about You, Jesus"